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Holy shit this was so much work. Thanks to the mentioned peeps for their crit. Also thank you to anyone who read lol.
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Monument in the Snowstorm
This was neat. I can ignore the grammatical errors for the dark imagery here, of which there is a lot. I love that it isn't strictly desolate, an outpost in the coldest desert. Although I'll say you don't offer much of an explanation how they manage to sustain themselves at these tempratures, nor what to do when a snowstorm comes when you happen to be at the outpost. In fact, I'd wager that exploring the latter aspect would have elevated this article.
- the Halls and the mysteries it holds | The Halls largely consists
The Halls aren't treated as a plural in these two cases.
- There are rooms that are damp and covered in mushrooms and unique flora. These areas add a strange feeling of ecology to the otherwise featureless rooms
Feels like these sentences should be connected by a semicolon instead of a period.
- a fowl, putrid experiment to grow mushrooms in
I assume you meant foul, not fowl.
- The Halls are simply the first of many levels within the Backrooms. It is a vast and branching reality of nested infinities within one another known as levels
I feel like it would make a lot more sense to open up this section by stating that the Backrooms has many levels and then saying that the Halls are simply one of the levels, rather than the other way around.
- They manifest in three common ways: gradients, gateways, and rifts
This gives the exact same information as the list right after the paragraph it's in, which makes it redundant.
- across subtle changes in geography
Shouldn't this be "paralogy" and not "geography"? Like how you use the term "paralogic features" to describe different environments in the Halls.
- In these ways do parallel realities physically collide within the Backrooms System
The "do" doesn't add anything and I kind of don't like how it sounds here, very much a nitpick though.
- Limspace is a large and expansive place | Once you have spliced into Limspace, there is no return to Baseline
I don't like how in these excerpts specifically the Backrooms and the Halls respectively seem to be referred to as "Limspace", since it's not like all limspaces are vast or impossible to return from.
- splicing is an event that befalls everyone in the Backrooms who was not naturally born in them
Shouldn't it be "befell"? Since it happened in the past.
- Firstly: the Frontier is a special limspace in the way it entangles with Baseline | Once you have spliced into Limspace, there is no return to Baseline
Aren't these minor contradictions with the Chaos Gradient section? Since it states that people can splice into the Halls from different limspaces as well.
As for general critique, I'll have to echo 0ktober's point about the images, the blurring is just unnecessary and annoying; the first "image" is also just weird, with the mashup of obviously rendered environments (the second image also suffers from being an obvious render). All of that only serves to make the article feel less believable, if anything.
The biggest flaw with the article is–ironically–not even inherently a fault of the article; the flaw is that it just feels really disconnected from other Backrooms articles, for example with how it outlines the way travel between levels works (which not all other levels abide by with their entrances and exits). The UNCB database format is also something that only this article really does as far as I remember; I don't think terms like "paralogy" are really used outside of this article either. Basically it suffers from the fact that a ton of other Backrooms articles haven't been updated to its standard.
Overall the article is solid though; a good and pretty comprehensive introduction to the limsystem that also throws in some interesting concepts without dragging on for too long.
Generic3 you outdid yourself, bravo
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » This Sewer System Hates You
Short but I enjoyed a lot. Usually I'm super huge on the idea of it letting you go to anywhere in existence if you travel deep enough into it but I mean its been a thing for 4 years and nobody has done anything silly with it, on precedent though I wouldn't like it since I didn't like keymaster for similar reasons. Although this has restrictions. Any sewer limspace OR any irl location seems fairly balanced tbh, and stage 6 maybe leads wherever but that's just speculation.
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Wetlands Of The Nihil Cloudburst
Overall really liked this actually! GOOOOOOD Job knaffalito :swag_love:
i thought it might feel too long, but it doesn't, really. It felt about right imo.
I liked the here be dragons sort of section at the start, primed me to read some crazy epic shit. Slight nitpick in that "…and nothing more" kinda answers the question for the reader on whether its all real. I mean when I read that it reads as you trying to Tell us its all real if you get me.
Two poem sections back to back next and they're not bad poems, but if I had to pick, I'd probably keep the first and cut the second if I were being a brutal evil editor man.
Alllllso biggest nitpick of all Koælus isnt a very intuitive thing to pronounce for a poor angloid like me so im like… koaylus? Koahlus? And it makes the already kinda flowery poetry a bit more confusing than it maybe needed to be.
I see what you did with the "it was called Koælus… the land before" section you little sneaky sneak. Dont think you can slip a dark souls reference past ME. Dark destroyer, DARK IS LITERALLY IN MY NAME.
Not a bad way to write a page anyway since it IS writing about a character. The witch queen
Small nitpick "where it lie in accordance with other Limspaces" should be changed I would think? Lies? Lays? Idk im not John Grammar.
I do get what you were going for with the page and I'd upvote. Just a few itsy bitsy pet peeves.
+1
BF Index is simple and doesn't detract from anything, also makes the page read like someone more to the point and scientifically minded wrote it which is cool.
Extrauniversal void is a bit eh as far as a descriptor goes, as its not really a void?
Level used for a non backrooms thing but can't fault Doey for that as he might have left Before we changed it idk.
Cheshire manifold idea is cool, conceptually quite fun although it is Not intuitive to think about and visualise.
Mental effects of the limspace felt kinda tacked on. But there's no huge problems with the page. Nowadays I'd probably novote this. Cool ideas and its clearly meant to be written by a more serious sciency guy but idk quite short and doesn't have the human touch I'd like
I'm upvoting, as it's good, with a slight tiny nitpick in that I don't like the BF Index at the top. Uses both the word "level" and "anomalous" but it doesn't ruin the page by any means.
Knafflad - Ohmeghon - Nostworks
We're so back LA is in the new year. This is comment is belated as hell, but I doubt anyone will see this))))))
did I just see the corpse… twitch‽
Holy carp, Lois
Knafflad - Ohmeghon - Nostworks
Thanks to Knaff and Ink for the following crits! <•,""']{
https://discord.com/channels/792245826117304340/1409723185347428482/1410695311827140709
https://discord.com/channels/792245826117304340/1409723185347428482/1506426539011477589
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Monsters And Hunters 2025
congrats for winning it was really competitive!
I must say this is so eloquently put. It somehow brought long dormant feelings within for the derelict and abandoned, and absorbed me to it like water to a sponge… not the most eloquent myself. At least it excited me to write proper application text haha
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Jennifer Lives A Normal Life
Got an idea here but it doesn't have charm. It is an exposition about our character, Jennifer, and we gather a few traits about her such as how she views the world, maturity, her routine, and her hardiness. However, we do not have a reason to care about her nor her routine.
The routine is spruced up with some clever similes, metaphors, and the like. However, it lacks presence. Surely at this point in the routine, Jennifer could describe the aroma of her coffee each day much better than not at all. What is so great about the aroma that it pushes her to get up? Is it a brief escape from the toiling life through sunny pasture?
It may be intentionally robotic if you are intending on going the route of taking a cog out of a machine and spinning it down a hill. However, you must keep in mind, this is the introduction, the place where you need to hook your readers. Make us care about Jennifer, add intrigue, do something more than just the routine. Even if it is a normal/regular life, there is bound to be something unique about it that readers can latch onto. Every life is unique.
The only real source of conflict immediately apparent is the breakup with Leon, and that is a good chunk of the way through the section. Perhaps find a way to introduce it sooner. Maybe Jennifer wakes up and recognizes the room feels larger or that something has been missing for a while.
This page gets more downvotes than it deserves.
page revision: 0, last edited: 25 Dec 2020 03:09