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Level 12 by Generic3Generic3, 25 Jan 2021 04:15
Re: Level 11
Generic3Generic3 22 Jan 2021 19:55
in discussion Writing / Drafts » Level 11

I know I was involved in writing it but after so long of waiting for someone else to give this crit I'm just going to do it myself.

It is only comprised of residential structures

change that to "solely comprised"

The level is typically quiet, you will only hear the chirping of crickets and the occasional pitter-patter of carpet fluid dripping from above.

The level is typically quiet, the silence is only broken by the chirping of crickets and the occasional pitter-patter of carpet fluid dripping from above.

Black metallic pipes stretch across the cogwell matrix, these pipes contain carpet fluid and will occasionally burst open and rain down on the houses below.

Black metallic pipes stretch across the cogwell matrix, containing carpet fluid and occasionally bursting open to rain down on the houses below.

This section of Level 11 will rain down carpet fluid, which has been turned acidic by the sulfuric smoke, more frequently than other areas of Level 11.

This section of Level 11 will rain down carpet fluid more frequently than other areas of Level 11, made far more dangerous by the acidity it picks up from the sulfuric smoke.

Once you enter their territory, they will offer you a position at their factories and will pay you in rations.

Once you enter their territory, they will offer you a position at their factories in exchange for a steady supply of rations. Most wanderers, starving at this point, are forced to accept.

Attempting to traverse this barrier is considered pointless as it only leads to more houses.

Attempting to traverse this barrier is considered pointless, as it continues indefinitely.

Re: Level 11 by Generic3Generic3, 22 Jan 2021 19:55

Object 3s are wireless, point-to-point power transmitters and receivers.

It should be "Object 3 is a wireless point-to-point power transmitter and receiver."

Object 3s are paired electrical connectors, functioning like a cordless extension chord.

Instances of Object 3 are paired electrical connectors functioning like a cordless extension cord.

Entangled batteries are used to transmit power from level 4 to the rest of the backrooms.

Level 4 not level 4. backrooms should be Backrooms.

The connection itself is superconductive, voltage meters measure a drop of 0 across it.

"measure a drop of 0 across it" should be rephrased to something like "do not drop when transmitting energy"

The item is considered extremely valuable for its industrial applications; however, it is nigh impossible to complete a matched pair, and the batteries are near worthless without their twin.

It's better to just have it as "…applications. However,…"

Also you should space out the paragraphs.

The Eye of God by Generic3Generic3, 15 Jan 2021 22:26
Re: Object 5
Generic3Generic3 14 Jan 2021 22:36
in discussion Writing / Drafts » Object 5

It doesn't mention the mental deterioration and bodily mutations caused by the liquid described on the level 1 page, is this simply an omission or are you removing these effects? Level 1 also describes the fluid as being teal rather than red, but I am all in favor of the color change teal seemed like a bad color to me. I like the consolidation of the levels 1 and 2 fluids into a single object.

Re: Object 5 by Generic3Generic3, 14 Jan 2021 22:36
Object 5
BanachTarskiPdxBanachTarskiPdx 14 Jan 2021 16:48
in discussion Writing / Drafts » Object 5

http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/banachtarskipdx
Scroll down past Level 11 to get to Object 5. (I don't use tabs)

Object 5 by BanachTarskiPdxBanachTarskiPdx, 14 Jan 2021 16:48
Re: Level 11
AlmardukAlmarduk 05 Jan 2021 03:01
in discussion Writing / Drafts » Level 11

Some comments;

  • What does "shadow entity" mean?
  • The "force you to work" part is ill-described. What exactly does forcing to work mean? Where am I forced to work? How do the factories look like? What do they produce?
  • The tone here is pretty shaky. Needs some work at being more descriptive.
  • The section about the Elites is a huge stub.

Other than that, I think that this needs some more intense themes. While the general imagery is just OK, the concept has way more to give. The Time Machine by H.G. Wells comes to mind when thinking about this Level — the novel has a strong theme of the rich man's paradise being a result of the brutal work of the lower class, to a degree that, hundreds of years down the line, humanity has evolved exclusively to fulfill one of those two roles. Definitely a great read if you want to make this article good.

Of course, this article shouldn't really have those two social classes present, but the consequences of their existence could be explored.

Re: Level 11 by AlmardukAlmarduk, 05 Jan 2021 03:01

crit on forums. Posted.

onevoweltwoconsonantonevoweltwoconsonant 02 Jan 2021 01:00
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Level 1

😎


-something witty here-

by onevoweltwoconsonantonevoweltwoconsonant, 02 Jan 2021 01:00
Limspace - The Bridgelands by FortunaeFortunae, 01 Jan 2021 20:07

I have made changes to the draft. It is now a threshold between a random limspace and Baseline.

Re: The Boundary (limspace) by Generic3Generic3, 01 Jan 2021 19:27

I think you should break up the paragraphs into multiple paragraphs where it feels natural.

My main concern with this article is that the idea of existing between two states at once is something that would apply to many many spaces. I think there needs to be something more specific about this limspace with how it is accessed or functions, otherwise beginning the article with how it's accessed would seem repetitive with other articles. Maybe you can only enter this specific borderline state under certain specific conditions, like during sleep paralysis. That's just one idea though.

The Boundary is a borderline state of simultaneous existence in both limspace and baseline reality.

This confused me for a lot of the article because it seemed like this applies to other limspaces. The Boundary isn't just the state of existence, it is also the limspace itself. So this should read something like: "The Boundary is a space one can enter through a borderline state of simultaneous existence between the space and Baseline."

I don't think you should say "baseline reality". I prefer just "Baseline" and always capitalized. I also prefer to say "space" instead of "limspace" most of the time but that's personal preference and there's places you definitely should always use limspace.

wanderers in this limspace have been known to stop drinking almond water and risk becoming insanities to prolong the effect as long as possible.

If we are still using almond water, I think that it should only work in the backrooms, so limspaces wouldn't involve it. I would remove this line or replace the almond water mention with something more general. Maybe you could come up with something for it or brainstorm on the discord.

The connection to the baseline reality is extremely tenuous, and is broken if the wanderer is seen by anyone from the baseline reality, or anyone from the baseline reality hears their voice.

It shouldn't be "the baseline reality". get rid of the "the"s.

When the connection is severed wanderers are left in the liminal side of the space, an empty, pitch-black void filled with demons.

This feels like missed opportunity. I think that you should never be able to reach the other side, as the whole premise of this article is about being halfway between. So the aspect of seeing the limspace as a distorted mix with baseline is something unique to touch on.

You could have it be more than just a black void. It could be a whole world in there, but you only get to see parts of it. Imagine being inside your home, and halfway across the room is a bell-tower rising out of opaque greenish fog.

It could be kinda like when you go cross-eyed and the two images from your eyes don't align, so it looks like two separate scenes crammed together and your brain tries to merge them in bizarre ways. To tie into what I said earlier about coming up with a more specific way to enter the reality, you could have it be going cross-eyed during a sleep paralysis episode or during something else. Instead of the normal cross-eye vision, one of your eyes sees into the limspace, and your body now exists within both simultaneously.

The location of the baseline reality that a wanderer is sent to upon entry into The Boundary will always be in close proximity to friends or family, if the wanderer has any. If the wanderer has no friends or living relatives in the baseline reality, they will be sent to a location of special meaning to them, usually their home.

This is really confusing to me. Is this saying that when you enter the Boundary, you are also teleported to somewhere else in baseline? You didn't mention that before and I think it's a really weird and needless part.

Because the connection is severed upon being noticed by anyone from the baseline reality, wanderers in this limspace are forced to hide from everyone, including their family, to stay in it as long as possible.

This is an interesting bit. You could throw in a line about people hiding themselves in attics and closets so that no one finds them while they are exploring. It could also act as a sort of return system, where you keep a fellow Archivist with you around a corner, and if you get in danger you signal them to turn and look at you so that you exit the limspace.

Humans have always imagined their lost loved ones were reaching out to them from the other side. Tales of ghosts date back to the beginning of recorded history. Numerous cultures believe their ancestors are watching out for them, and many have been known to leave offerings of food for them to consume. While the dead are not reaching out to us as far as we know, those trapped in The Boundary certainly are.

This intro feels too long and unrelated. It makes things confusing because it seems to change topics without an explanation for how it's related to anything.

Forced to live like ghosts, they hide from their own families just to stay with them, for to be seen is to be banished back to the hell from which they came. Their presence is known only by the creaking you hear in the middle of the night, the feeling of being watched, and the strange conviction of some children that there is something beneath their bed. Something moves in the corner of your eye, but when you look there is no one there. Items are not where you left them, and sometimes you think you hear a voice calling out to you, that cuts off before you can be sure you even heard it at all. Hiding from the world we so desperately want to return to, staying hidden from the ones we need to talk to again, this is the life of a ghost, one banished to this living hell. To my wife and children, I miss you.

This is very confusing to me. I thought these were normal people existing between both spaces. I don't think you ever mention in the article that they become ghost-like entities with these powers that allow them to remain hidden. I'm not sure I like that angle either. I think the article would be a lot more interesting if it was about wanderers WANTING to see what's in this limspace, and having to stay hidden so they don't get pulled back to baseline, rather than so they don't get pulled into the void. This ghost journal doesn't really do it for me, and I think some journals from Archivists trying to explore the limspace could be much better instead.

About the entrances and exits, they'd obviously be changed if you go with my suggestions. And honestly I don't think that section is needed for this limspace, as it should say near the beginning of the description how you enter and exit it.

Re: The Boundary (limspace) by VizloxVizlox, 01 Jan 2021 05:00
Atom_RutherfordAtom_Rutherford 30 Dec 2020 07:29
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Threshold #2

How could we possibly know of the existence of T#2 and its properties if nobody who has ever gone there came back? Maybe I'm missing something but this feels like a plot hole.

I'll make sure to include photographs of the cult documents and maybe some voice recordings to explain how we know about the strange features of T#2. The critique you provided is in depth, effective and very helpful. I'll be sure to include it at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

by Atom_RutherfordAtom_Rutherford, 30 Dec 2020 07:29
Re: The PNIF
onevoweltwoconsonantonevoweltwoconsonant 30 Dec 2020 05:19
in discussion Writing / Drafts » The PNIF

All grammar and capitalization have been fixed. Yes, I know it sounds stale but I do plan to flesh it out a lot.


-something witty here-

Re: The PNIF by onevoweltwoconsonantonevoweltwoconsonant, 30 Dec 2020 05:19
MinutemenMinutemen 30 Dec 2020 05:16
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Threshold #2

After SPaG fixes, this article is pretty interesting. I don't typically enjoy backrooms articles because they merely exist without stories. Of course that is the nature of the backrooms wiki, things existing because we-don't-fucking-know why, but I believe this is among the things this site needs to overcome in order to truly flourish.

What's being documented in this article has a reason to exist, that is a large part of what makes an article good. Too often do writers write things that merely exist with the escape-hatch of "it's not supposed to have an origin" and then not realize it's a pile of garbage.1 Articles that use that escape-hatch fall flat because their narratives, if they exist, do not use the ambiguity of the object's origin as a premise for its appeal, instead using it as a hand to wave off legitimate major critique.

Let this article serve as an example for how to integrate a reason to exist into an article: A threshold has properties which dilate time proportional to the amount of energy being released within it. Someone or something detonated a thermonuclear bomb inside of it. A neat premise, yes, but on top of it exists a narrative of how the nuke got there, and how societies surrounding the threshold reacted to it and exploited it throughout history. A great article. Now imagine that this article was entirely composed of just the premise. No story, just a boring observation. That is the situation I see a lot of Backrooms and Liminal Spaces articles have. Integrate actual narratives, actual reasons to exist in your articles, for the love of God.


Here are my pieces of critique for this article in particular:

  1. I feel that the article would be a lot more developed if you included transcripts of the Point Lux society's beliefs, like journal entries showing their ideologies and/or recorded speeches by rulers assuring people of the validity of their pursuit. Without that I feel like this article is incomplete.
  2. You told me you made this article in 2 hours. That's a level of neglect so large it manifests in its numerous SPaG errors and its lack of a feeling of completeness with regards to my crit in #1. Spend more time on your articles. Polish them out. They're supposed to be here for years, if a person uninvolved with this site stumbles upon your article its your job to represent the site with your article. That means you have to really spend time making sure it's the most compelling read you can make it.
  3. Here:

As of now, T#2 is inaccessible. Those who enter will be vaporised instantly by the nuclear blast.

How could we possibly know of the existence of T#2 and its properties if nobody who has ever gone there came back? Maybe I'm missing something but this feels like a plot hole.


+1. Great article. Should integrate my crit to make it an outstanding article. Again, let this article serve as an example for how to make an article worth reading, specifically by giving it a reason to exist.


Do not go gentle into that good night.

by MinutemenMinutemen, 30 Dec 2020 05:16
Re: The PNIF
BanachTarskiPdxBanachTarskiPdx 30 Dec 2020 02:44
in discussion Writing / Drafts » The PNIF

Grammar

All the times it says "The PNIF" or "the PNIF" should be replaced with just "PNIF". It really depends on the pronunciation actually. If it's pronounced "PEE-NIF" it should just be "PNIF" instead of "the PNIF" but if it's "PEE EN EYE EF" it should be "the PNIF" instead of just "PNIF.

The PNIF is a faction that predates the UNCB, believed to have been made ~65 years before The UNCB. It is a Unitary State that has control over or influences many levels and has formed many puppet states from factions that have opposed them. They are extremely aggressive and are not to be approached.

Unitary State should not be capitalized.

The PNIF holds a tight grip over its entire faction. Elections are not held within The PNIF. The economy is run through Socialism and there is no universal currency. Neptune does not take care of diplomacy, his subordinates do in his name. He is hard to negotiate with and has never been seen by the UNCB because any people caught within the PNIF are killed or captured.

Socialism should not be capitalized.

Triton is 6’ tall, muscular, and with untrimmed hair. He is typically composed in a respectful manner. Whenever seen he is typically wearing the outfit of a General.

"General" is not supposed to be capitalized unless it is used like: The General or General Triton.

Other Criticism

If I'm honest, this sounds like another boring faction. I hope you flesh it out in tales and articles because it's kind of stale right now.

Re: The PNIF by BanachTarskiPdxBanachTarskiPdx, 30 Dec 2020 02:44
AlmardukAlmarduk 29 Dec 2020 23:42
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Threshold #2

I like this! The way the narrative is presented is a little awkward, and I think the properties of the Threshold could be better elaborated upon, but overall — good article.

by AlmardukAlmarduk, 29 Dec 2020 23:42
Mfras' groups by Generic3Generic3, 29 Dec 2020 04:50
The PNIF by onevoweltwoconsonantonevoweltwoconsonant, 29 Dec 2020 04:28
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