The Matrix Town Here!
http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/level-12
http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/level-12
Hi!
Sorry if I seem rude and blunt. I get straight to the point by suggesting edits and why. I am not in any way calling into question your intelligence. Anything in parentheses in an edit suggestion is something I think would be good to add, but you really don't have to.
I'm just going to start by saying that it's best iff you keep all of your articles in one sandbox. Tabs are an amazing organizer for this, and you won't be disappointed. Here's the text:
[[tabview]]
[[tab your tab]]
random text here
[[/tab]]
[[tab another tab]]
more random text
[[/tab]]
[[/tabview]]
You should get something like this: (I put my critique inside)
Supplies are quite scarce and only a few supplies can be found in the town.
This alone would not be enough to justify a 4/5 difficulty level. How hard is it to leave the limspace? If it's complicated or difficult enough, then that could help, and that'd be a 3.5, but there has to be something else.
The atmosphere of the town is what is dangerous, it can drive anyone crazy and cloud your thoughts.
In my opinion, this wouldn't be a "Phenomena Level" thing and more of a "Hazard Level" kind of thing. If you stated that this phenomenon existed, like this: "The atmosphere of this town is known to be psychologically damaging." This could also be mentioned in the "Difficulty Level" area.
The weather can become chaotic and unpredictable, acting quickly is advised, and structures change without warning.
I wouldn't change the idea of this sentence; I'd just make it more concise. "The weather is unpredictable, and quick action is advised. The structures also change shape (and collapse) without warning."
The Matrix Town is a town which contains very chaotic phenomena, climate and environment which make the town a difficult place to survive.
Just add "a" before "very", and move "phenomena" to the end. Phenomena is the plural for phenomenon, and weather and environment are not. I would have the singulars first and add the "a" to make it a little easier to read.
The town has houses that are reminiscent of medieval times, there are also houses from the 80s and 90s, some houses are on medium-sized hills that for some strange reason cannot be climbed and instead you cross them which allows you to see the interior of the hills which has very small caves, outside the hills no entrance to such caves is seen.
"The town has houses reminiscent of medieval times, as well as houses from the 80s and 90s. Some houses are on medium-dized hills that cannot be climed, but can be crossed, allowing Wanderers to see the interior of the hills, which have small caves. Outside the hills, no entrance to the caves can be seen."
So, this was all one big sentence, and the grammar was poor, as there were multiple ways you could break it up. I broke it up in the way that made the most sense to me. The kind of sentence you wrote is known as a "run-on sentence" which is just when your one sentence goes on too long when it should be broken up. Run-ons have to be broken up to preserve the grammatical integrity.
The town has small hill-shaped stairs, made entirely of stones of different sizes, such as small, medium and large, these stones cannot be broken or moved.
Run-on sentence. Just put a period after "large" and capitalize "these".
Another characteristic of The Matrix Town is that in the background there is an unidentified type of smoke which it is not known if it is harmful to anyone's health, you cannot reach such smoke and some theorize that it may be that There is a fire in the background, but it is still unknown.
"Another characteristic of The Matrix Town is that in the background, there is an unidentified type of smoke. It is not known if it is harmful to anyone's health. Wanderers cannot reach such smoke and some theorize that it may be that there is a fire in the background. This phenomenon is still unknown."
The run-on needed to be broken up.
Before I continue on, I would suggest that you brush up on sentence structure and you review your sentence structure to make sure everything is good. As a concept (I am not an expert in concept, but yea) is pretty cool, but from what I read, there could be more description on what can be found in the houses, if anything, and perhaps some description on other common buildings. I read up to the "Altered Reality" section, and that's it. As I said, I would check my sentence structure for the whole article. PM me when you're done!
Have a nice day/night!
My entire life has boiled down to this moment. This keyboard. What I write to you now is my blood, shed for your amusement.
The Matrix Town is fixed, remove and add things. Here it is:
http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/level-12
Hi! Glad to see you weren't discouraged by slow responses! I'm going to note a couple of things you should probably do. First, I would change the sandbox page's name to include your username. It just makes it easier to see who wrote the article. You should also add your sandbox to the list of existing sandboxes to make it easier to find your article. Put your username there in alphabetical order and fill out the rest of the necessary info. With that little blurb aside, let's get the crit started!
Disclaimer: I am not in any way insulting your intelligence through this critique. If it seems like I am, I apologize. I am just trying to go into detail about something you can avoid in the future, and would help you streamline your writing.
The level classification section has improved, but you shouldn't go beyond 5/5, which is literally worst-case scenario in a limspace.
It is recommended to bring supplies or leave as quickly as possible.
I don't think this justifies a 5/5. If it's possible to leave the limspace quickly, then it gets at most a 4.5/5 survival difficulty level. If you wanted to make it a 5/5, make it damn near impossible to leave the limspace. I would also mention that the weather wears away at the mind. I understand that it is repetitive, and you don't have to do this because of that. I just thing mentioning it helps justify such a high score.
The structures also change shape (and collapse) without warning.
The parentheses are not needed. You can get rid of them, as they interrupt the flow of the sentence.
In general it is almost impossible to survive.
Nothing too big; just add a comma after "In general". I read this out loud and I immediately put a pause there. It's just the way it sounds. (Now for the big part…)
After all of that, the simplest solution is to add a comma after "In general", and the sentence is golden!
The Matrix Town is a town that contains a very chaotic climate, and environment that makes the town a difficult place to survive the phenomena.
Delete the comma. Everything after the comma just became a dependent clause and totally interrupts the flow of the sentence when it would be completely fine without a comma.
Some houses are on medium-dized hills that cannot be climed, but can be crossed, allowing Wanderers to see the interior of the hills, which have small caves.
I think you meant "medium -sized". "climed" is an incorrect spelling. The spelling you are looking for is "climbed". I don't know why the b is silent. English is weird.
The town has small hill-shaped stairs, made entirely of stones of different sizes, such as small, medium and large.
I wouldn't use what's after "different sizes". Instead, I would give an idea of how small or large the stones can get. Remember to use the metric system if you're used to the Imperial system of measurement like I am.
Another characteristic of The Matrix Town is that in the background, there is an unidentified type of smoke. It is not known if it is harmful to anyone's health. Wanderers cannot reach such smoke and some theorize that it may be that there is a fire in the background.
I don't think "background" works very well here. It brings up thoughts of a painting, or some form of visual art, which is definitely not what this is. I would use the word "distance" instead, as it fits better here. It brings up thoughts of landscape or environment. "such smoke" feels weird here. It's like saying that there are multiple types of this smoke. I'd use "that" or "this" for a better flow of speech.
This phenomenon is still unknown.
You have already stated that this phenomenon is unknown, which makes this sentence redundant anf completely unnecessary. I would get rid of it.
And what you can see when looking at the sky is a crimson red sky and clouds that rarely can be distinguished much, the sky is the main danger as it holds many climatic problems and extremely deadly temperatures.
Never start a sentence with "And". It's just wrong, grammatically. After "distinguished much", put a period there instead of a comma. Everything after that is a complete sentence/thought on it's own. The first sentence reads strangely when read aloud. I would shorten it to "You'll notice the sky is crimson when you look up, and the clouds are barely distinguishable against it's backdrop." Feel free to change that however you want to. After all, the creative potential you have is limitless. Instead of "deadly", I would use "lethal". The mean the same thing, but there's a certain *chef's kiss* to "lethal".
In the town there are two varieties of automobiles, the cars that, due to their appearance, date back to the 50s and the trucks.
After "In the town", I would add a comma because of the dependent clause thing. After "automobiles", You should put a colon there instead, as you are introducing an advanced list. An advanced list is a list that has commas in at least one of the items, making it difficult to differentiate between what one item is separated by a comma and what is a new item. There are different ways to introduce a list. One way would be to put it in a new sentence, but you don't need to here. the other way would be to put a colon at the begining of the list. "I went to these places: Paris, France; Athens, Greece; and Cairo, Egypt." You see how I introduced the list and separated the different places with semicolons? That's how you would do it if you were listing off multiple things. For your automobile thing, it's pretty good, but you need to put a comma after "50s".
The topography of the town is consistent, a dry grass that if you wet it will never turn green (although there is mostly land) and which gives off a horrible smell, flowers and bushes can be found here as well as trees that are made of dry rotten wood, This is repeated in the bushes and flowers that are withered, wetting them does not return them to their normal states either.
I think you meant to put a period after "rotten wood". I would put a colon after "consistent", since you are introducing an idea related to what you put down, but having it part of the sentence without rearranging the words and adding some new things does not help the continuity of your sentence. After the parenthetical statement, put down a comma and replace "which" with it. That would be pairing two independent clauses together perfectly to make a compound sentence. After "smell", you should put a period there, since what comes after that could be a sentence on it's own. After "withered, you should put a semicolon there, since those are both independent clauses, but they aren't joined together with a conjunction like with the previous set of independent clauses in this instance.
The supplies in The Matrix Town do not exist, which makes it very difficult to survive as well as document most of the things in the town due to the climate, environment and phenomena that exist.
I would say "There are no supplies in the Matrix Town". Aside from that, I think this is pretty good. It's just that that first part has a tone that doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of it.
In your phenomena table, I would put a little blurb telling readers what it is, as it may not be completely clear to some what it is. I would also have small sections below it, describing what those phenomena are and the effect they have, like what I did in my sandbox.
I'm not even sure what to do with the Alternate Reality. I think it's a good idea, but the execution is poor. Please work on describing it more clearly as well as working on the language. The way the words are pieced together is confusing to me. If you give me the base concept of the room and your inspiration for it, I may be able to help and flesh it out.
The climate of The Matrix Town is chaotic and disordered because it can change without prior notice, in the town the following can be created: tornadoes, snow storms, hail, acid rain, storms, thunder or lightning and inconsistent radiation, all of them.
I would say that the climate is chaotic, changing without any indication of a change. After that, put a period before "in the town" to atart a new sentence. You should delete "all of them". It really messes with the rhythm.
These climatic problems make The Matrix Town difficult to navigate and document precisely the events that occur, sometimes the temperature can reach -70°, forcing explorers to stay inside the houses, and other times the temperature increases up to 80°, like climate problems, the temperature is random and apparently the houses repel everything.
Put a period after "occur", as the idea after that is complete. Delete "like climate problems" to better the flow. Put a period after 80°. Is it 80° Celsius? Farenheit? Kelvin? In the last sentence, I would rephrase it to something similar to this: "The houses seem to repel the constantly shifting temperatures, making them the safest area in the Matrix Town."
The houses in The Matrix Town are made of white terracotta that are very dirty and, in rare cases, unpainted.
I would rephrase the descriptive bit to "dirty, sometimes unpainted white terracotta". It delivers the same eact message while using less space. Brevity is wonderful.
The houses also include an outer border of mossy and dirty stone, sometimes some houses do not have this characteristic border, and instead, have a different border (these include wood, bushes, metal, terracotta and wool).
I think you should change "outer border" to "fence". It's the same thing. Put a period after "dirty stone" and a comma after "sometimes". Delete the comma after "instead". If you took out the "and" before "instead", I would have told you to start the sentence with "instead" and keep the comma.
The interior of the houses can vary, from a modern and clean interior, to an old and dirty interior.
I would change "from a", which is a comparing statement, and say "some with a modern…" and "and others with an old…"
Sometimes the interior can be adapted to the interior of your own house, or that of a neighbor. It has been seen that the interior of the houses is Non-Euclidean, that means that when entering a house there can be warehouses, shops (that are empty), entire offices and on very rare occasions they can only have a small room with a chair and a hanging spotlight.
You don't have to define non Euclidean. If someone doesn't know, they can look it up. Instead of "that means", I would just start with "When entering a house, it may look like a…" Delete the parentheses; they are unnecessary. Add a comma after "rare occasions"
The interior of the house is the safest so far in The Matrix Town due to its effects of avoiding hunger and thirst.
This is new, but fun! I would go into more detail about this specific phenomonon. It seems important, but you just glance over it.
The vehicles are safe and at the same time dangerous, the two types of vehicles vary greatly in properties:
The oxymoron here doesn't fit very well with the overall vibe. Are they safe or dangerous? Also, I would start a new sentence with "the two types".
Cars are one of the most common as they will always be found near some houses, the interior is like a normal car, but when you try to drive it it will not work or it will practically not start or it will break, but there is also a small possibility that it will be damaged. to dump the fuel and explode.
I'm going to suggest a rewrite: "Cars are one of the most common, as they will always be found near houses. Inside, it looks like a normal car, but when you try to drive it, it will not work, it may break, or it may leak fuel and explode."
The vans can sometimes carry boxes which are empty or random objects that are of no use, their interior is the same as a van only the seats will be broken or dirty, and when you try to drive the vans, they will start but will not be able to move, sometimes Sometimes the vans will make an exploding sound but won't actually explode, and other times they may disappear out of nowhere.
The vans sometimes carry empty boxes, or boxes filled with useless items. Their interior is the same as a normal van, but the seats are broken or dirty. When you try to drive them, they will start, but cannot move. Sometimes, the vans sound like they will explode, but they don't and other times, they simply disappear.
With your collapsibles, this is the code you should use:
[[collapsible show="show text"]]
put some text here
[[/collapsible]]
In fact, this entire critique is a collapsible. I think you may have put three brackets: [, instead of two. Three would be for inserting a link. In your White Room collapsible, you spelled it "Withe" instead of "White". Just wanted to let you know.
I want to know more about the White Room. Please tell us more.
In your Entrances and Exits section, only put down entrances and exits that are certain. You know if they exist. Don't chase too many rumours.
The Matrix Town is considered the most dangerous, unstable and impossible to survive for a long time level within it, which follows after The Ruined City. Which means The Matrix Town would have exits from The Halls to The Ruined City, and a little further.
Here's what I think you mean and a suggested rewrite: "The Matrix Town is considered extremely dangerous and impossible to survive for long periods of time. It has multiple entrances to the Ruined City and is considered a neighbor to that limspace.
That's my crit for now! I hope this helps you out in further writing! Let me know once you've changed it!
My entire life has boiled down to this moment. This keyboard. What I write to you now is my blood, shed for your amusement.
The Liminal Center is my next job.
http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/level-12
Hey! Thanks for contacting me to come and help! I noticed that you replaced the Altered Reality section with the Underground Library. I think this is a very good alternative, and that you did a fairly good job with it! I wish you would describe it more, but your tome of mystery is good, and I want you to try to keep that Your Entrances and Exits section is more streamlined, and unnecessary information is cut. I will give you more detailed crit at a later time, when I have a moment to catch my breath. Have a great day/night!
With regards,
draco99
My entire life has boiled down to this moment. This keyboard. What I write to you now is my blood, shed for your amusement.
First, there is one formatting error I would like to point out. Isn't 5 the highest you can go, seeing how the scale is out of 5?
Second, how is a stair "hill-shaped"? Are the steps round, is it like terracing, etc.
Third, a couple sentences that don't feel right to me. For example, shouldn't, "The cars that, due to their appearance, date back to the 50s, and the trucks." be "The vehicles (Including cars and trucks,) that, judging by their appearance, appear to date back to the 1950's."
Fourth, a minor note, you say that it's hard to document what's inside, but couldn't you just stay inside the houses and look out the windows?
Fifth, if most of the houses are medieval homes, homes that obviously don't have air conditioning or power at all, how would they protect you from the elements?
Overall, this is an interesting concept, but could be executed better.