Better than your last attempt but still not that good.
1. Second person is quite weird to write. I think you did it right, but not well. Check out http://liminal-archives.wikidot.com/erefore-i-feel-that-we-ve-wasted-wh for an example of good second-person writing on the site.
2. This is kinda short. While short articles are fine, I feel like more could have been done with the article.
3. That dialogue…
“Mark? What’s so funny?” a voice asked.
“Mark, stay away from that hole. We don’t know where it leads yet.” Another voice said.
Quite… tacky? I feel you could add much more emotion and build the setting more by changing the lines. Perhaps to "Hey Mark? What's got you in such a laughing mess over there? Did you kick another rock into the pit?"
"Hey Mark! Get away from the hole. How many times do I have to tell you? We don't know where it goes yet. I'd hate to write another report to the boss about an idiot diving into a hole again."
4. That ending paragraph is a bit… corny. I get what you are saying about second-person writing but it just feels comical. "Line by line"…
5. Abyss that Stares Back is a decent title for a tale or perhaps a limspace/threshold. It seems you plan on making that? Maybe next time, make the setting before making a tale about it?
Overall, you could improve the article. But it is certainly better than "The Icebox" because it at least has some character.
(account deleted) 24 Jun 2023 23:19