The Icebox
(account deleted) 28 Mar 2023 17:47
http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/verglas9
Please check it out! I worked really hard on it. I would like some feedback.
The Icebox
Forum
» Writing / Drafts
» The Icebox
Summary:
A maze covered in snow, ice, and corpses.
(account deleted) 28 Mar 2023 17:47
Greetings,
I have read through your draft. It has inspired me to work on Shivergate(a Thalasso threshold)
Verglas is a cool name! I am going to borrow it >:)
Anyways, I have some feedback for you.
FEEDBACK
I like the idea of an endless freezer room maze. One of my fears is being locked in one of those and freezing to death.
However, it is not really liminal. The Verglashoes are pretty interesting but the Butchers are bland. A lot of ideas are started but not expanded upon. It is really simple.
Chamber 9 is slightly interesting but doesn't make sense. How could they survive that long with the low temperatures and all the entities?
The best part that I read was the existence of "Infinity Aisles". From the sounds of it, it is a supermarket or something with a freezer section. That is a pretty cool connection to another level.
In the end, this is an OK first level. You should probably join the Discord(if you haven't already) to get some more crit.
Sorry for not responding sooner. i was grounded.
Thank you for giveing me critique! I don't really know how I can change my level. I see waht problems you gave but I don't know how to solve them. Can you give me some ways to fix them? Also I don't have a discord account.
Something I've failed to understand is the settlements attempted—is there any benefit to living in this level? Because entrances to the level are fairly easy to avoid, the fact that settlements have been attempted just makes very little sense to me. I advise:
- giving a reason (or multiple) to stay there, or
- altering the entrances and exits so that people enter the level unwillingly, and survival is a matter of escape
Goodness, wikidot has a weird account system. What's this weird forum signature thi
This is good, I like it. Good image but I think it could be smaller.
| Basset-Frazier Index | 3.333/5 | Horrendously cold and painful experience with death by the hooks of Butchers a constant threat. |
|---|
- I think you can just make it 3.3/5 instead. Also, add commas. "A horrendously cold, painful experience with a constant threat from Butchers."
- You use the word most a lot try to cut down on that
- "Most commonly are frosted-shut boxes and pieces of furniture." I believe you mean frozen shut
- "Mentioned before were the Verglashoes," Remove "mentioned before" I dont think you need that
- "Sometimes, behind the endless supplies of the frozen sections, The Icebox lays." -> "Sometimes the Icebox lies behind the endless frozen sections."
/forum/t-15771648/the-icebox#post-