BMR Radio

BMR Radio

Dr_Fast46 07 May 2022 09:07

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Re: BMR Radio

ieatcrepes 10 May 2022 23:54

+ show block

1.

The BMR Radio allows individuals to communicate between levels, with a few exceptions including enigmatic levels, there is currently 3 made of them, all in an unknown location.

Split this sentence up; period after "enigmatic levels" and start a new sentence.


2.

The BMR looks like a big box made out of steel and wood, with 2 30 cm long antennas standing on top, the question is if the antennas are actually useful or are just serving an aesthetic purpose is unknown.

Consider removing the word "big". Change the number "2" into "two"; the two number together look confusing. I'd replace "antennas" with "antennae" and remove the phrase "standing on top", it is understood that the antennae are on top. This is a run-on also, split the sentence into two; start a new sentence at the line "The question is", and remove the phrase "is unknown".


3.

The BMR Radios were manufactured in the Frontrooms but were Blueprinted in the Backrooms, out of the 3 BMR Radios functioning 2 are owned by the UNCB and 1 is owned by the Porters that was sent to the Porters to aid relationships between the UNCB and the Porters.

Another run-on sentence. Put a period after "in the Backrooms" and start a new sentence. Again consider replacing "2" and "1" with "two" and "one". You use "the Porters" three times in quick succession, so replace the second time with "them", and end this sentence after "between the UNCB." Also, replace "between" there with "with".

4. That's all for the SPaG. Conceptually, I think this needs something else added to it. So far, it is a novel tool that could be put to very good use in the Backrooms, but none of that is shown or explored. The two testing phrases are relatively uneventful, and are more of gestures towards something happening than anything actually happening.

5. My recommendation would be to put this radio system to use in your favorite Levels and come up with a way to make them more interesting than a relatively straightforward radio.

Looking forward to the next draft!

Re: BMR Radio

ieatcrepes 10 May 2022 23:54

Edit: WikiDot bug

Last edited on 10 May 2022 23:55 by ieatcrepes Show more