Ensembles / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Ensembles.

Crits

Nautilus98 10 Apr 2022 01:14

Thanks to Bloof, Frank, and BlueTangs Rock for crits.
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/960333190160056390/962520694325915738/Crit_1.PNG

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/960333190160056390/962520694569193502/Crit_2.PNG

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/960333190160056390/962520694816653352/Crit_3.PNG

Once again, please tell me why you don't like it and the such. It helps me better my writing and allows me to post better articles!

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JasonMakesManhattens 13 Apr 2022 18:33

This is overwritten, it talks too much and says too little. There’s a lot of intrigue to be drawn out from the premise but muddled and poorly constructed sentences betray it and keep it from really ever getting a flow going.

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Such is life in the Soviet Union

Re: -

Nautilus98 13 Apr 2022 22:30

I do not see what you are trying to say… sorry.

I stated everything that there is to know about the Ensembles. Their biology, how they act, where they are from. They are supposed to be strange yet interesting creatures that belong to a now gone limspace. They are supposed to feel out of place.

If you have any ideas on what could be added/removed to better the article I am willing to listen!

Re: -

Generic3 03 May 2022 20:18

I think I see harmony's point. It's a very unique article with a lot of potential, but very little is explained in any detail. For example, how does one kill the conductor? What is an encounter with an ensemble like? What was the valley of the choir like?
In addition to that, the article overall is hard to read because it is almost entirely composed of short, choppy simple sentences. Just look at how many sentences contain only one clause and begin with the words "the ensemble". It gets repetitive.

But other than that I really do like the idea. I think this could be a great article and I'd like to see it improved.

Re: -

Nautilus98 08 May 2022 19:53

I've been thinking about rewriting the Ensembles after I finish some other articles. I think I could have been more descriptive in a lot of parts. Since I can't describe what they look like I have to go more in depth in other parts.