Looking for feedback
Looking for feedback for my limspace http://liminal-sandbox.wikidot.com/will
Looking for feedback
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» Writing / Archived Drafts
» Looking for feedback
Summary:
Looking for feedback on my page
It's not big
you need to make it bigger
That's not helpful.
First, as I said to Frederick Williams, not all good articles must be long, nor are all long articles good.
Second, crits are required to have at least five points of feedback. See this link: http://liminal-archives.wikidot.com/rules.
I have to disagree with Creeperfamily4, as not all good articles necessarily have to be long. I like the concept of a dreamspace within Limspace, and I think it could be made better. Here are my suggestions:
SpAG (Spelling And Grammar):
1) "This area can change within (or) every one-twentieth of a second." (depending on what you mean to say)
2) Replace most instances of "you" with third-person (pro)nouns (eg. "one", "the wanderer", "they", "s/he"). Also remove words like "obviously" and find different ways to describe the space such as, "The Dream Space is similar to normal experiences of REM sleep, except it is accessed through particular steps…" This would sound more professional and consistent with the expected tone of most level descriptions.
3) "whether it be success,…" Weather is a phenomenon of nature, while whether connects to possibilities and decision-making.
4) De-emphasize 'if'.
5) "The easiest way to survive is to believe you can't die."
Content:
4) You may wish to create a slightly more consistent entryway into the Dreamspace, or a consistent way of knowing when it has been entered.
5) Depending on the difficulty of the dream, this may prove to be too easy a way to re-enter reality. It may help to add on extra requirements (such as making the level as hard as possible for the dreamer who wishes to re-enter reality), or to create doubt as to whether those who exit by staying there for a full day actually end up back in reality when they awaken.
Overall, it was an impressive and interesting article to read, but it does feel a little like a rough draft. There were minor SpAG errors, and I could see ways to improve clarity in the ways of entry and exit. The most glaring deficiency I saw was in the tone of your work, which makes an effort to conform to the clinical tone discussed in the level-writing guide but falls short because of the frequent use of "you". Your concept is great, and if the writing of it is improved it could easily become one of the best Limspace levels in existence.
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