Dear Humanity

rating: +29

31 votes (+30, -1) 4.8★

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New Bavarian Workers' Council
Third Hausner Factory
Hausner Industrial Subsector
New Bavaria

November 3rd, 0034

Dear humanity,

Our corporation — our family — does not appreciate the notion that we have a sinister ulterior motive as opposed to our true goal: to unite all sapient beings under one banner. Your poorly written so-called "article" speaks nothing but falsehoods. Our brotherhood does not partake in the vile acts described in your article. The fallacious idea we utilize manus-regis psychotropics in our concoctions is slander, mere libel meant to degrade our status as an ethical corporation.

At first we took your ludicrous claims as a jest — that is until our revelation that you were completely serious about the matter. We entertain the idea that the social milieu of our factories isn't defined by our ethical precautions and lax work hours. In fact, we believe our work environment is superior to that of your own archivists! In short, the content of the next few paragraphs will debunk all of your slanderous claims against our perfectly ethical corporation.

Now, humanity will be quick to claim we are unethical due to our advanced corporatist theories. Our methods — which have been developed for millennia mind you — may seem alien to the underdeveloped, human-centric work model. Humanity envies our superior praxis. They are all jealous of our unrivaled success and have therefore resorted to criticizing our perfect system! The Bavarian school of thought has been refined for centuries; hence, the feelings of inferiority.

Of course, we understand your envy. In contrast to our own, the archaic human working model is simply outdated. We have entered a corporate renaissance that surpasses your troglodytic filth in every way. This makes perfect sense knowing humans are merely unevolved bestial primates. They simply do not understand our glorious system! Our brilliant system — known as Bavarian corporatism — simply can not be comprehended by simpleminded apes.

Our anti-depressants — the ones falsely labeled as manus-regis psychotropics — simply improve work ethic. These workers are in an eternal state of joy; ergo, they will work much more efficiently than before. The cultural zeitgeist of the human populace can be defined as the following: despondent, decadent, and needlessly sensitive. We seek to give you what you truly desire most — belonging and felicity. In truth, is that genuinely so reprehensible?

You take us for madmen. I can assure you we are anything but. We even have our own ethics team which you accidentally glossed over in your egregious rant against our glorious corporation. The New Bavarian Ethics Council despises your sick libel. Thus, we have requested the removal of the unethical label — a request you have ignored thousands of times! Let it be known that those who fear the truth will soon perish. Beware archivists, you will soon regret your sociopathic lies.

Now I will unveil the truth about the UNCB and the so-called Bachrich factory incident. On the day the fascistic UNCB and their cruel subsidiaries trekked to our factory for inspection — an inspection that our ethics team organized mind you — we offered them a lovely dinner to begin the evening. However, a sociopathic UNCB officer cried out a false accusation of poisoning amid our bountiful dinner evening. The inspection officers were the ones to open fire — not us!

It was but a misunderstanding taken for factual events. Alas, our version of the story was censored in the press as anything distributed by us is labeled propaganda. We lost many brothers that day. Many of them were pacifists — those unwilling to fight but willing to advance international relations. Of course we would not let a coroner retrieve the officers cadaver! If they do not respect our loss of life then we have no reason to respect theirs.

So let it be known the so-called United Nations and Colonies of the Backrooms are nothing but elitists. Additionally, the archivists have the audacity to call us elitists while it is the UNCB that are the true elitists. They denied all our applications for membership despite our newfound ethical measures. How many workers had to bleed to advance our relations? Too many we say! Consequently, we have taken an anti-UNCB stance in regards to this issue.

We have had enough of their human-centric membership requirements and hence will no longer seek to establish a union between our guilds. Our moral system is too developed for their simian minds. The complex philosophical machinations of the Grand Leader / Chief Executive Officer mean nothing to simple-minded fools. It is an implacable policy of ours that the glorious GL-CEO will not spare the feebleminded. Lesser beings are nothing but soulless automatons anyways.

Sincerely, the New Bavarian Workers' Council

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Written by BanachTarskiPdx